The submission thing I’ve got covered. Everyone has their own definition, me I go for short and sweet.
Here’s my favorite:
Wikipedia - Submission is the acknowledgement of the legitimacy of the power of one’s superior or superiors.
On most days, I even fit this second definition pretty well:
The Free Dictionary - Submission - The state of being submissive or compliant;
Acknowledging the legitimacy of Lady Pagan’s power is a no brainer. She’s got the personal presence and the force of arms to back her position, plus there’s a little matter of my oath to her that I take very seriously. Most importantly, I implicitly trust her to always wield this power taking into account both of our best interests.
The superiority thing is even easier. I wouldn’t have made the vow I did if I did not believe she was more intelligent, emotionally mature, has a more accurate moral compass, and better judgement than me. The only category I’m reasonably sure I could still take her in would be the standing broad jump, and these days even that would be iffy.
Being in a submissive state comes natural to me with people I respect, and she’s at the top of the list of people who have earned it.
So why do I sometimes find obedience so tough?
The stuff you would think would be the hardest are actually the easy ones: “I want you to go to gym” or “I want you to eat better”…even “I want you to apologize to ‘x’”. These are things that I continually struggled with on my own, but completely accept when it’s an order from Lady Pagan. Part of it is the trust, part of it’s my desire to better myself, and a large part is my knowledge that she understands it’s a challenge and she’s not going to give up on me.
Then there are the seemingly selfish or pointless commands: “Get me more wine” or “kneel before me”. These are also no problem, mostly because I know it’s not about the kneeling or the wine (well, maybe in some cases, it IS about the wine). It’s about feeding the dynamic and the needs of both of us. I get that, want to support it, and comply willingly.
My problem occurs on those commands that don’t fit either of these categories. It might be an order to go to the store, or do some task in the yard. Before I quite realize what I’m doing, I blurt out “no”.
To be clear, in our dynamic Lady Pagan does not want a drone, and there are times when it’s perfectly acceptable for me to not agree immediately to a command. I’m required to state so politely, using the form “Milady, I’d like to but” followed by a legitimate reason :
- There’s something she forgot or information she does not have
- It’s something I’m not capable of doing and why
- It’s something that I really, really do not want to do, and why
Lady Pagan will then consider the reason, and either rescind, re-confirm, or change her command. It works well for both of us. I’ve done it maybe 6 times in the past 2 months, and in each case I think it increased our confidence; mine in that she would give legitimate reasons a fair hearing, and her’s in that she didn’t have to know everything or always be right, just be the final decision maker.
“I’m not gonna do it and you can’t make me” is not one of those legitimate reasons. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes the first thought in my head.
And I know the damage that can do, if I say it out loud. DD has a great post on her site, www.dumbdomme.com, and Ferns has a fantastic one on hers, www.domme-chronicles.com, that both discuss the impact hearing “no” has on a dominant.
So I try to suppress it, and usually I succeed because I honestly and truthfully want to obey. Lady Pagan is not only worthy of that obedience, it’s part of a very sacred promise I’ve made to her. Because of that vow, even when I’ve fucked up and blurted “no”, I’ve followed it up with an apology and then go about doing whatever my task is. I’m getting better, as I de-program myself out of canned responses I’ve spent a lifetime of being a smart-ass learning.
But sometimes it’s too close for comfort.
2,255 total views, 4 views today